Home for Christmas: Reflecting on Our Family Systems
With Christmas approaching, many of us will be heading back to our family – our “home team”. This will evoke a whole range of emotions and feelings for us: for some, excitement and longing, and for others perhaps more dutiful compliance.
Everyone has the right to belong, and the need to belong is one of the deepest human needs. Our family system is the first team we belong to, and our experiences there can shape and influence how we show up in other teams and in our work systems.
As we find ourselves back in our “original teams”, it’s perhaps a great time to explore and reflect on how these longstanding dynamics are influencing your present relationships and notice where old stories and narratives are repeating themselves.
Family First: Going Home to Your Original Team
From an early age, we learn the unspoken “rules” of belonging within our unique family systems. Were you the one who kept the peace? The problem solver? The joker?
These early roles, formed early in childhood, often stick with us long into adulthood. Understanding them matters because they influence how we relate to others – not only in our family but in our work systems too, where without us noticing, we subconsciously re-enact them.
For example, if you grew up feeling your opinion mattered less, you might hesitate to share your ideas in a meeting. If you were given positive encouragement you might be more willing to offer it in your professional life too.
Belonging Uncertainty
Have you ever noticed that at home you can feel like you’re still defined by the role you played decades ago – one you perhaps no longer relate to.
If you’ve grown and changed through moving away from home , work, and even building a family of your own, but your family still sees you as the “fixer” or the “peace keeper”, it’s natural to feel conflicted.
Holding the sense that you no longer quite fit within the system and the roles played by others within it can make it tricky to honour your current self and your relationships in a way that feels good to you. This happens in the workplace too where we may choose only to bring part of ourselves into the system because we perceive other aspects of ourselves may not be welcome.
The Most Wonderful Time for Reflection
So, as you head home this Christmastime, take time to reflect;
Who are you now and who are you not?
What do you need to pay attention to honour yourself in the relationship with your family systems this Christmas?
Instead of falling back into an old version of yourself, choose to be conscious and intentional about what you need to feel real connection. In systems coaching language we call this “being in right relationship. In order to be in right relationship you may need to consciously choose something different for yourself.
For example:
- Is there someone you need to assert stronger boundaries with?
- Can you communicate your need for space and autonomy, rather than overextending yourself to keep the peace?
- Can you reconnect with someone who genuinely supports and values you?
This Christmas, in amidst the merriment, perhaps notice and get curious about how your family system patterns show up for you – at home and at work. Are you able to honour the evolution of self, or are you slipping into old roles that no longer serve you? It’s fascinating!
